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How to Be a Hero:

Rule number 1. Shove your healing friend out of her wheelchair, or at least try.

Rule number 2. When you can’t think of a good response to someone’s insults, out them. Bonus points for doing that in a crowded school hall. Extra points if someone in the hallway turns around and hears distinctively what you just said.

Rule number 3. Proceed to say how afraid you are that the friend you outed might die. Because you’re a sensitive hero.

Rule number 4. Sing a song to said outed friend to cheer them up during a hard time. Pick the song with taste, and tact.

Rule number 5. Feed your vegan girlfriend meat. It will show how thoughtful you are: people need proteins to stay healthy.

Rule number 6. If you want to dump your girlfriend after you urged her to cheat on her former boyfriend to be with you, do it right after a funeral, in a car. Because you realized how much you love someone else right over that funeral. She looks so pretty when she cries…

Rule number 7. Always pick popularity/reputation over anything and anyone. Especially if it’s your brother or your girlfriend.

Rule number 8. If your girlfriend and your brother are sitting right beside you at the same table, rant about how you have nothing special in your life. Someone will sing a song about how great you are in slow motion soon, don’t you worry.

Rule number 9. Man, that song was awesome! So awesome I wanna marry that girl! If you feel this way, proceed to propose to your girlfriend. Be sure to mention your first date - which actually happened as you were still with pregnant Quinn but whatever -, and to mention how she’s the most important part of your life - you did just say you have nothing special in your life, yes, but just keep yourself interesting won’t you - and if she loves you for the rest of your life you’re going to be ok. Super ok. Be sure to pressure her afterwards, that will show her how much you want to marry her. Mmmh, smell that? Smells like desperation.

Rule number 10. Call your future wife ‘sad clown hooker’ again, and again, and again, for the rest of her life. You told her once, she’ll get used to it and her face will be priceless. Ah! Don’t forget: you don’t need to listen to anything she says.

Feel free to add your own! Being a hero is awesome!